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By now you know that several members of the Trump administration unwittingly leaked high-level discussions about military strikes against Yemen to the Atlantic. They pulled this off with Dr. Strangelove–esque flair, by accidentally including Atlantic editor-in-chief Jeffrey Goldberg in a Signal group where those discussions were taking place.
This has raised a few pertinent questions about the integrity of the U.S. intelligence apparatus, because—generally speaking—you don’t want the nation’s CIA director and defense secretary directing bombing operations over a consumer chatting app.
Smarter people than I have analyzed the legal and political fallout from the scandal. I was attracted to something far dumber. Reading through the full transcript released Wednesday, it became clear to me that beyond a secretive attack-planning committee, the dynamics of the discussion reminded me of the typical boys group chat. All of the archetypes and characters I’m familiar with in my own life were there. So I took it upon myself to annotate the thread like the frat house that has become our executive branch.
You can trust me on this. I went to the University of Texas.
Let’s go. Here’s national security adviser Mike Waltz:
Team–establishing a principles group for coordination on Houthis, particularly for over the next 72 hours. My deputy Alex Wong is pulling together a tiger team at deputies/agency Chief of Staff level following up from the meeting in the Sit Room this morning for action items and will be sending that out later this evening.
Pls provide the best staff POC from your team for us to coordinate with over the next couple days and over the weekend. Thx.
Each and every boys chat is centralized around a single figure who is willing to throw the loose semblance of a plan up in the air. Ideally this occurs midway through the first beer of the night, which is when the possibility of an imminent group hang is at its most enticing. Waltz is absolutely identifying himself as the Reservations Guy here. Or at least the person most likely to suggest hitting a bar for Thursday Night Football approximately 25 minutes before kickoff. (Again, this occurs most often during those wondrous early moments of light intoxication.)
A day later, Vice President J.D. Vance chimes in.
Team, I am out for the day doing an economic event in Michigan. But I think we are making a mistake.
3 percent of US trade runs through the suez. 40 percent of European trade does. There is a real risk that the public doesn’t understand this or why it’s necessary. The strongest reason to do this is, as POTUS said, to send a message.
I am not sure the president is aware how inconsistent this is with his message on Europe right now. There’s a further risk that we see a moderate to severe spike in oil prices.
There are a couple things going on here, but the most pressing revelation is that J.D. Vance is questioning the wisdom of the president—and, therefore, is talking shit about someone who’s not in the boys chat. This is a controversial practice but also one of the great traditions of boys chat culture. At any given moment I would say that at least 60 percent of all digital communication is centralized around the admonishing, humiliation, or dirty laundry–airing of someone deemed to not be worthy of boys chat privileges. Clearly, Vance is a prime instigator. With this evidence, I am willing to bet that there isn’t anyone in the entire Trump administration that he hasn’t privately bashed on Signal, Discord, Twitter DM, or whatever else. (If you’d like my Signal handle to add me, let me know.)
One more Vance quote we need to cover:
I am willing to support the consensus of the team and keep these concerns to myself. But there is a strong argument for delaying this a month, doing the messaging work on why this matters, seeing where the economy is, etc.
So, not only is Vance a drama instigator, he is also the sort of guy who pulls that “highly reluctant acquiescence” move. You know, the guy who complains about the price, the seats, and the food before finally agreeing to come along to a baseball game. (Upon arrival, he is practically guaranteed to sink into one of those dissociative temper tantrums unique to men.) Only a few messages into the transcript, and I think I can say with confidence that Vance is the group chat Least Valuable Player.
Moving on to CIA Director John Ratcliffe …
From CIA perspective, we are mobilizing assets to support now but a delay would not negatively impact us and additional time would be used to identify better starting points for coverage on Houthi leadership
There is always one member of a boys chat who cannot write to save his life. “Not negatively?” That’s the type of double negative that makes me want to gouge my eyes out.
On to Pete Hegseth.
VP:
I understand your concerns – and fully support you raising w/ POTUS. Important considerations, most of which are tough to know how they play out (economy, Ukraine peace, Gaza, etc). I think messaging is going to be tough no matter what – nobody knows who the Houthis are – which is why we would need to stay focused on: 1) Biden failed & 2) Iran funded.
Waiting a few weeks or a month does not fundamentally change the calculus. 2 immediate risks on waiting: 1) this leaks, and we look indecisive; 2) Israel takes an action first – or Gaza cease fire falls apart – and we don’t get to start this on our own terms. We can manage both.
We are prepared to execute, and if I had final go or no go vote, I believe we should. This [is] not about the Houthis. I see it as two things: 1) Restoring Freedom of Navigation, a core national interest; and 2) Reestablish deterrence, which Biden cratered.
But, we can easily pause. And if we do, I will do all we can to enforce 100% OPSEC. I welcome other thoughts.
Considering my impression of the man during the nomination process was that he was a maniac Fox News guy known for crushing breakfast gin and tonics, Hegseth comes off as reasonable here. My boys chat features one member, a career wonk that works at Politico, who tries to distill all of our lengthy arguments—whether it be about Israel or the Detroit Pistons—into sensible both sides–ism. Hegseth comes off as that type of peacemaker, while still managing to ultimately advocate for his own causes, which is the true skill of this role. “I hear your concerns, but we should, actually, bomb the Houthis” and “Donovan Mitchell is having a great season, but Cade Cunningham does indeed deserve first-team All-NBA” are essentially the same approach.
A Waltz double-text follows, which is too boring and too lengthy to quote at length. But I do need to add that double-texting is a classic Reservations Guy tactic. He wants to get stuff locked in. Afterward, J.D. Vance chimes in to do some more whining.
@Pete Hegseth if you think we should do it let’s go.
I just hate bailing Europe out again.
The line-break with the last-minute expression of dissent! Lord have mercy. I cannot fully articulate how much I don’t want to be in a chat with Vance. It needs to be said that he is ostensibly the second most powerful person in the Trump government, and nonetheless continues to be steamrolled by a bunch of irradiated military guys—undercutting the pastoral isolationism he envisions for the future of the nation at every turn. Hope it’s worth it, buddy!
Next we have a text from the initials SM, which everyone assumes to be deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller.
As I heard it, the president was clear: green light, but we soon make clear to Egypt and Europe what we expect in return. We also need to figure out how to enforce such a requirement. EG, if Europe doesn’t renumerate, then what? If the US successfully restores freedom of navigation at great cost there needs to be some further economic gain extracted in return.
He’s the Venmo guy. Stephen Miller is the Venmo guy. He never lets a group Uber go unitemized. “Hey man, would you mind sending me $3.72 for the $15 pizza we split?”
Hegseth:
TEAM UPDATE:
TIME NOW (1144et): Weather is FAVORABLE. Just CONFIRMED w/CENTCOM we are a GO for mission launch.
1215et: F-18s LAUNCH (1st strike package)
1345: “Trigger Based” F-18 1st Strike Window Starts (Target Terrorist is @ his Known Location so SHOULD BE ON TIME) – also, Strike Drones Launch (MQ-9s)
Big War Guy Knows War Words, like when your friends spiral off into a highly technical discussion of some competitive multiplayer game. My primary takeaway of Hegseth, from reading these messages, is that he’s a bit of a dork.
Vance chimes in with a lifeless “I will say a prayer for victory,” which oozes with reluctant participation, and then gets confused by a Waltz text, responding, hilariously, with “What?” Waltz clarifies that our military forces destroyed an entire building to kill exactly one guy—a perfect distillation of the psychotic foreign policy orthodoxy that has plagued our great nation for decades—and wraps things up with three emoji: a fist, an American flag, and a fireball. Reservations Guys do love when a plan comes together.
Right before the transcript cuts off, Susie Wiles—Trump’s chief of staff who has been silent throughout—offers “kudos to all.” (“Really great, god bless.”) There is something both horrifying and vaguely gratifying to know that no matter what you are doing in a boys chat—finding a bar with a patio or organizing drone strikes—there is always going to be a lurker or two. Of course, a good rule of thumb is to make sure that lurker isn’t a journalist whom you’ve just handed the scoop of the year.
